It's No Secret
21st Sunday In Ordinary Time, B
2009-08-23
Eph 5:21-32An older gentleman sat on his front porch. The local newspaper was interviewing him because the man had been married to his wife for 50 years.
The reporter asked him, “So, tell us! What’s the secret to a long and happy marriage?”
The man answered, “Oh, that’s easy. I learned the secret on my honeymoon…and never forgot it to this very day.”
“We honeymooned at the Grand Canyon, and we decided to take one of those mule rides to the bottom to see the Colorado River.
“Well, it wasn’t long before my wife’s mule stumbled and she almost fell. She calmly and quietly leaned forward and told the mule, ‘That’s one.’
“Not long after that, the mule stumbled again, almost dropping my wife. And again, she calmly and quietly leaned forward and told the mule, ‘That’s two.’
“Believe it or not, the mule stumbled a third time and my wife came very close to hitting the ground. But this time, she got off the mule, reached into her pack, pulled out a rifle and shot the mule in the head.
“I looked on in horror. I said angrily, ‘Don’t you think that was a bit harsh?’
“She calmly and quietly leaned over and told ME, ‘That’s one.’”
Now, that secret may lead to a long marriage, but I’m pretty sure that’s NOT what St. Paul had in mind when he wrote about a successful formula for marriage in his letter to the Ephesians.
But, unfortunately, this particular passage in the 5th chapter of Ephesians is one of the most misunderstood and misapplied teachings from the Sacred Scriptures. In fact, did you know that this passage is one of the Church’s recommendations for the readings at the Marriage Mass? But, far too few brides allow it – and far too many grooms ignore it – simply because they don’t understand it.
Contained in this beautiful passage from Ephesians IS the secret to a long and successful marriage! How so?
One of the biggest problems people have with St. Paul is his use of the word subordinate, sometimes translated as submissive, when referring to the wife’s relationship to the husband. Many think it to be outdated, oppressive and sexist, hardly applying to our modern culture, and obviously “something a man would write.”
So let’s look at it a bit more closely. What does St. Paul mean when he says, “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands…wives should be submissive to their husbands”?
Our world has distorted the concept of submissiveness. We picture someone in shackles, enslaved to a master, beaten into obedience, allowed to speak only when spoken to.
But, that is NOT what submission is!
In fact, the Jews of Ephesus to whom St. Paul is writing had a very different understanding of submission. In those times, to submit to someone was a great honor and treated with great respect. It took humility, serenity, grace and fortitude, as well as patience, to submit. In short, it took a strong, confident person to empty themselves of their personal desires and wishes, so that they could truly and fully submit in love and trust to the will of another.
In our modern world with its Darwinian rules of the mighty trampling, conquering and plundering the weak, we have all but lost the concept of the grace and humility in submission…the total giving of oneself to the other.
True, there is an order presented here; a ranking if you will. St. Paul tells us, “The husband is head of the wife.” But read on: “Just as Christ is head of the Church.”
What beautiful imagery he uses here. He’s not focusing on “head” as in “boss.” He’s calling to mind the Church’s teaching on the Mystical Body of Christ. Christ is our head, and we are His Body! As a Church we are woven together as one, never to be separated, not even in death. And all life, hope, mercy and love flows out of Christ the Head through the entire body to each of its parts…to each of us.
And Christ desires that same order for marriage. St. Paul recounts the age-old teaching that when married, “The two become ONE flesh.” In marriage, we become ONE body, with the husband as the head, acting in the very person of Christ.
But, don’t start thinking that the guy gets off easy here, that the husband becomes the master, ruler and dictator of the wife and the household: most certainly NOT.
He does say, “Wives should be subordinate to their husbands in everything,” but, again, READ ON! St. Paul immediately tells us, “Husbands, love your wives, EVEN AS CHRIST LOVED THE CHURCH.”
How did Christ love the Church? By giving His life for her. St. Paul says, “By handing Himself over for her, to sanctify her.”
Christ was literally hated, beaten, crucified and killed for her. It was the ultimate “submission.” Husbands, THIS is what WE are called to do. We must die for our wives…maybe not literally, but we must be willing to die to ourselves so that our wives may dwell fully in our hearts. That means we must empty ourselves of our selfish needs, desires, feelings and wishes.
So there you have it: the secret to a long and happy marriage! Both the husband and wife must die to themselves so that the OTHER may live in their hearts.
It’s no wonder so many marriages are failing today. We live in a culture of selfishness. What’s in it for me? Where’s mine? What have you done for me lately? I need some “me” time.
Our culture is breeding a world full of weak men who run out on their pregnant girlfriends, who cheat on their wives, who turn to pornography for pleasure, who leave their wife and kids to find a new, younger love interest. It’s shameful.
Women are taught from a very early age that they must act and be like men to be appreciated, that they must use contraception so they aren’t burdened with children, that simply wanting to be a mom who lovingly cares for her home and nurtures her children is a waste of perfectly good talent. It’s sad.
Marriage has taken such a beating in recent times. It has been ridiculed, abused and slighted. It has been redefined and challenged in courts. It has been hijacked and mocked by alternative lifestyles. In short, it is under attack.
All because it is misunderstood and misapplied…and WE are at fault. We have allowed that to happen.
We need to get “back to the basics” – back to the Eternal Truths the Church tells us about life, love and marriage.
We need to educate ourselves and find out what the Church teaches about the moral issues that challenge us – and our marriages – today.
We need to read the Catechism of the Catholic Church. If we do, then we’ll find out that Abortion, sex outside of marriage and contraception are always wrong and intrinsically evil acts, that pornography will kill a marriage, that marriage must be between one man and one woman and that when Sacramentally bonded, husband and wife cannot be divided.
We need to listen to our consciences, for that is, as the Catechism explains, “man’s most secret core, and [God’s] sanctuary. There he is alone with God whose voice echoes in his depths.” But, the Catechism also tells us that we MUST have well-formed consciences, formed by the Church’s teachings.
And, we need to pray: pray for ourselves and for others. We need to invite God’s wisdom, guidance and love into our hearts and into our marriages. We cannot do it alone.
If we do these things, perhaps St. Paul’s timeless message to the Ephesians – truly, the Word of God – will once again form the backbone of marriages today.
There is hope for marriage, and hope for all of us. But, really, it’s no secret.
St. Peter expresses that hope in today’s reading from John’s Gospel. When Jesus asked the Twelve if they wanted to leave Him, St. Peter responded, “Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life. We have come to believe, and are convinced, that you are the Holy One of God.”
Let us NOT be like the disciples that turned their backs on Christ and walked away because they couldn’t accept this “hard” teaching.
Let us instead embrace Christ. Let us listen carefully to His words, the words of eternal life. And, in the true spirit of selflessness, let us empty ourselves, only to be filled by the love of Christ.