Go Ahead, Answer It (It May Be For You)
A Reflection On My Discernment Of A Call To Holy Orders
2005-11-17
As I sat in the pew at the Cathedral of the Immaculate Conception on a beautiful Saturday morning, I listened intently as Bishop Steib preached eloquently on the great harvest and the few laborers. My wife Bess held my hand with a gentle, reassuring grip. The Bishop was talking about me. Well, me and the other 24 men gathered that morning for the Rite of Admission to Candidacy for Holy Orders. Each of us is prayerfully (and studiously) discerning a call to the Order of Permanent Deacon in the Diocese of Memphis. During a brief moment of private reflection, I started thinking about how I got here.Rrrrrring! There it goes again.
Rrrrrring! It always seems to ring while I’m busy.
Rrrrrring! Rrrrrring! I wish someone would get that. Someone else.
“Somebody get the phone!” I shouted to whoever might be listening. After all, it’s probably not for me. With a wife and 8 kids, chances are I’ll be taking a message about babysitting, Scouts, some home schooling event or trying to track Bess down so she can talk to one of her 14 brothers and sisters.
Rrrrrring! Well, no one’s getting it. I guess I need to.
“Hello?” I queried.
“Hi, Jeff. It’s me, God.”
“God?”
Uh oh…God wouldn’t be calling if it weren’t important. Let me think back. Did I blow something in the last week? I did go through the express lane at Kroger with a few more than 10 items. But, surely, He wouldn’t be calling about that. Maybe it was the fact that I cut some little old lady off with my basket to get there. I dunno.
“Yes, God? What…I mean, why…uhhhh” I stammered.
“Jeff, I want to ask you something. I want you to consider becoming a deacon in My Church.”
“A deacon? Me?” Where could He be getting this from? Certainly, He above all knows how busy I am!
“Jeff, I know you’re busy…but I have big plans for you. I just want you to consider this.”
Okay, okay. So it didn’t exactly happen like that. There was no phone call. But, wouldn’t it have been nice? While I was on the phone with Him, I might have asked a few other questions like ‘Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?’ or ‘Why all the hurricanes?’ or something related to lottery numbers. No such luck.
No, my process of discernment started one Holy Thursday evening as I adored Jesus in the Blessed Sacrament about 6 Easters ago. That particular night, I brought to Him all my prayers…my cares, longings and questions; my woes and frustrations; and, my blessings and praises. I offered Him my life. I asked God what He wanted me to do next. I wasn’t expecting the answer I got.
It was something akin to the fictional phone conversation I conveyed above. I came home that night and discussed it with Bess. Later, I talked with my pastor at Holy Rosary, Fr. Timby. I also shared this curious “conversation” with others whose opinions I trust (one was a deacon). I started looking into exactly what a deacon was, anyway. I guess I was officially in discernment.
When I heard that they were forming a new “class” of potential candidates for the diaconate, I signed up. No, I committed myself to a possible five-year program that started with a period of intensive study, assessment, practice, assessment, lectures, assessment and, did I mention assessment? It has been primarily personal assessment, with the aid of a wonderful team of deacons, their wives and the priests who facilitate the formation process. When Holy Mother Church forms a deacon…she doesn’t mess around.
The process thus far has been a major commitment, but, what a blessing! Where it’s taken me, and the transformation in my life has been nothing short of miraculous.
If you had asked me ten years ago if today I’d be praying the Rosary at night with my kids, praying the Liturgy of the Hours with Bess, frequenting the confessional and going to Perpetual Adoration, I’d have said you were nuts. If you had told me that today I would have a library of a couple hundred pounds of books filled with the writings of the Early Church Fathers, and even more on all topics of the Faith, I’d have asked you ‘Do these books have pictures in them, or do they concern sports of any kind?’ If you had measured ten years ago my appreciation for the immense Gift of God’s grace in the Most Holy Eucharist, what John Paul II termed the “source and summit of our faith,” I’m afraid my answer wouldn’t have created a blip on the radar screen. But now…WOW!
There have been many other blessings these past three years.
I’ve learned so much more about the ministry of the deacon – that he is called to serve God through His Word (preaching and living the Gospel), at His Altar (assisting the priest) and in service to His People (the ministry to the poor and marginalized). Most importantly, I’ve learned that the deacon does not do this on his own, but only with the loving support and assistance of his wife – for those who are married. In fact, the wives of those discerning this call make the same five-year commitment and attend every class with him! (God bless you, Bess.)
I’ve also had the privilege of meeting so many wonderful priests, deacons, religious and laypersons that have been our instructors, spiritual advisors and mentors throughout the process thus far. I never realized just what a treasure trove of knowledge, love and faith we have right here in our very own diocese!
Also, I realized through this process that my considering God’s call to Holy Orders is an awesome way to “put my money where my mouth is.” Bess and I have been praying with the entire Church for increased vocations. We’ve always hoped that at least one of our six boys would consider becoming a priest. What better way to communicate the willingness to “answer the call” than to do it myself?
Perhaps the greatest blessing has been to learn that God truly provides. For every doubt I may have had about joining, enduring and continuing the formation process, God has placed a special grace in my life to counter it. The constant reassurance of my wife, a “that’s my dad!” smile from my kids, a fellow parishioner calling out to me after Mass, “Keep it up…we’re praying for you!” and, of course, the graces found especially in the Sacraments.
God always provides. He hasn’t let me down yet, as long as I’ve been open and honest with Him.
So there I was on Saturday, standing with my 24 fellow sojourners directly in front of The Most Reverend J. Terry Steib, Bishop of Memphis in Tennessee, whose authority is intrinsically and inexorably linked directly to the original twelve Apostles through 2000 years of the laying on of hands, and he asked each of us if we are ready, willing and able to fully commit ourselves to the rank of Candidate for Holy Orders with all the responsibility it entails. My affirmative answer was drowned out by the chorus of “I AM!” that rang through the Cathedral. Bishop Steib accepted us as candidates and pledged the full support of the diocese and his authoritative Office in our formation. Now, suddenly came another grace from God – the grace that we are not alone in this process. Not only the Church in Memphis, but, the Church Universal – indeed, the entire Body of Christ – was accepting us as candidates for the diaconate. It was an awesome moment.
None of us knows exactly what the future holds, what God has planned for each of us. But, whatever may happen from this point forward – whether or not my continued discernment leads to ordination in two years, I know that I have been blessed. And, just as St. Paul asked the churches he wrote, I ask you to pray for me, and pray for all of your deacon candidates and their wives, that we may continue to seek the will of God in or lives and attempt to fully live out the Gospel message of His Son Jesus, while basking in the love of the Holy Spirit.
And I will pray that you – whoever might be reading this – may have the wisdom to hear the “ringing” of God’s call to you, and the wherewithal to “pick up the phone” and talk to Him. You may be busy. You might be wondering why God would want you. You may hear a call and be saying to yourself, ‘Surely, someone else will get it.’ But, God knows what He wants, and He only asks for what He knows you are capable of. So, go ahead and answer it…it may be for you!